Anbulla Appa,
I have written a few letters in my life so far, including a complaint letter addressed to the powerful State and another to the even more powerful 'God' although without receiving any reply from them both.But I havent have expressively written one to you. Perhaps because we have been in consistent touch, speaking to each other or more pertinently hearing each others voice invariably every passing day. Or may be because I am cultured not to publicly display love and affection but rather to consider public as a space for spreading squalor or filth. I may have even found it little awkward to express MY(our) love for you, and our limited(if not biased) evaluation of you, very explicitly in written form. However I do not want to procrastinate it further. Here it comes.
First of all I plead before you to forgive me for going very personal and belongingly possessive of you or your love, if at all I go so anywhere in this letter. For you have taught us more on collective belonging rather than on private possession. We siblings have shared not just our home, room,bicycles, motor-bikes etc but also our parents. Its not that we did not personally own each one of them but we have been nurtured to think each and every thing-living and non-living- as a collective & common good for three of us as far as possible. We have never said "My appa/amma" but felt comfortable saying "enga appa". Even today when we 3 of your sons have grown up and are all SETTLED, we still continue to have that in our mind not to claim anything for exclusive personal possession. You should not be very surprised why we siblings long for and try to grab every opportunity ,that appears to pass through our way, to settle down in our locality with enga amma-appa . So you can even be boastful of your way of nurturing us that make us to live as a happy joint family.
As every other child, we grew considering you as our super-hero. I remember feeling so excited whenever someone says I resemble more of you. Round face, curly hair were a few physical attributes we longed for in our childhood. My penchant for white Khadi shirt is because its enga appa's signature wear. Equally we may have had regrets when somebody passes a comment that we look like our mom. Yes its true. Biologically your's X Chromosome was the sole determinant of our gender, being a male, but amma has contributed with her Y Chromosome. But she apparently has felt contented and satisfied to disown us when it comes to claims of resemblance of physical appearance, even if reality -both on our appearance and her actual feeling- may be otherwise.
As you know very well, amma is amma. All that she craves for is our well-being and love, and satisfies with her being identified as your wife and our mom. Sacrifice is the only language she speaks, nothing more, nothing less. Agree, accommodate and adjust, and compromise, love and care are the scripts she is well versed in. However I need not have to tell you about the love you both have on each other. And there are times when I have tried to gauge your mental strength to face a double whammy of death of your daughter and consequential loss of mental balance of our amma. We infant-siblings were put under relatives' care then whose separation would have exacerbated your mental well-being. Its nothing but your love for our amma that had helped her regain herself and brought us all together.
Appa, can we ever forget the ideals that you reckon very much in life. Self-esteem, dignity, service to others, humbleness, introspective maturity and humanity etc are a few things you would never want to compromise on. You were working, are working and would continue to work for ever in your life time, as far as I have understood you. You love to lead a financially independent life and any form of social security such as pension, insurance, or any notion of old age retirement or rest is unknown to you.
While male children are considered to be an economic security source who could be relied upon during a parents' old age, you are inclined not to depend on us on your financial needs. To all the functions that we have organised in our family in recent times, including two marriage functions, you have put your financial contribution. You did not even want us to spend money for amma's medical surgery as a symbolic gesture that your wife should be treated from your earnings through out your life time. This is despite the fact that you have been working for over 5 decades without adequate rest or any means of extra enjoyment. All that you demand from us is moral support not monetary support. Your sense of self-esteem is also evident in all your dealings with your friends, powerful politicians and businessmen friends, and government authorities. You would always want to differentiate between being compliant to official authority and subservient to the same. Hope you would very well remember few of your organised opposition to political and official authorities as a government registered works contractor. Submitting yourself before them for any personal gains is unheard of.
And the main thing with you that impresses every one of us- of course not much of amma- is your proclivity to help others un-invitedly. We feel very proud to notice that our father lends his helping hands to others even if that involves monetary hardship for him. Even when he takes 100 Rs @ 3% monthly interest from someone , he will not hesitate to donate a significant part of it to those needing help. Both of my elder brothers have learnt that art of being a helping hand, from you,which I am yet to articulately learn.
Even before Shivaji Ganesan- Kamal Haasan duo emotionally kindled a section of viewers' senses and insisted on leading a socially beneficial personal life, through a famous Tamil movie Devarmagan, you have impressed upon that sense on us. A government civil engineer could help atleast a few works contractor-families in living happily. A senior government civil servant could help thousands of families live happily. Whereas a private professional career, life in a 'heavenly' foreign soil, posh living would be just self fulfilling. "Lead a life with public purpose" is your life message for us. To all our happiness, one of your sons has been working as a Civil Engineer with the Tamilnadu government. And I request you not to worry too much about the rest, WE would ensure that we repay this society and this Nation, which has overwhelmed us with many form of social assistance.
You had some initial disagreements over your sons' life-partner choices. "Every parent wants to choose the life partners for their KIDS" - you said then. When two of your sons, back to back, have indulged in their otherwise rare self-assertion by choosing your daughters-in-law and thus denying you those rights, it would have certainly hurt you. The social identities such as caste, religion, cultural practices etc with which a person associates are usually restrictive, rarely providing for any marriage alliance between families of different identities. Such inhibitions are much more ingrained in the milieu of people hailing from lower strata in the socio-economic hierarchy. However you were neither stubborn nor unforgiving and gave up your apparent rights ,for your sons' well being. You are so accommodative and appear to be happy of your daughters-in-law now. Sometimes I wonder how our father, coming from a humble social and economic background and not exposed to much of outsiders' cultural characters and living, could come out of the casteist and religiously determined orthodoxy which are so prevalent in his immediate social surrounding. You are even ready to subject your activities (not all however) to scrutiny at our family level and are open to convincing suggestions and changes. So we are very aware that enga appa is a person who could be moved if we could convince him even if it takes some time.
You are a person of exceptional humbleness, except in the past when you spoke of your sons' academic achievements, and compassion. You will lend money to others without demanding any interest payment however you may have got that money at some monthly payable interest. You may have been angry with your workers but would not exploit them and their work. A good part of your earnings are being donated to whomsoever you find it relevant. Never wonder " tharmathukku kattupattu seyvaen"(My actions are controlled by moral consideration) is your oft-repeated dialogue.
Appa, you were so careful enough to cultivate the value system of living within our means. Yes, you have got us whatever we sought for in our childhood. But you made sure that we do not seek anything from you that may understandably fall out of our parents' ability to offer. You used to tell a story wherein "a father encourages his daughter to score well in her studies and promises to reward her accordingly. For every improved performance, he gets her higher value products as per her wishes. One day he tells his daughter not to perform well because she appeared to have demanded for a gift that he could not afford to buy. " We are sure to pass on this story to your grand-children at the appropriate time.
I have rarely seen any person like you who is so loving and concerned about his children and their safety. Even at this age of 29 years, you consider myself to be susceptible to kidnapping by unknown persons or vulnerable to accidents caused by rash driving of others. You want every one of us to sign your mentally held attendance-verification-register by personally hearing to our voices through phone calls, whenever we are out of home. You are actually a fragile person who is very sensitive to others feelings and would broke down not so rarely. We share a conviction that its your ability to vent your feelings through these emotional expressions that you are able to keep yourself relatively relaxed and less worried.
Appa, you are a source of inspiration, not just during our childhood but even now. We may want to emulate you and become a responsible human being, a not so irrational citizen, an unmatchable father. And on this Father's day I assure you one thing, like what Kamal Haasan promises his father in Devarmagan movie, that I would lead a socially purposeful life. Don't worry too much about me. I am not unsettled. In fact I am very well SETTLED with your guiding presence, moral support and never ending love and care. Take sufficient rest appa.
We love you.
Piriyamudan,
T.M.Rajeev Ganth
